the O face

Hey guys! This is Leah Davis - Editor-in-Chief of The O Face Magazine. With U Weekly's recent disastrous attempt at satire (A friend had to inform me of the article because I stopped reading U Weekly when it stopped being funny - aka when Lyndon Collins stopped writing for them.) I anticipate an increase in web traffic. So I wanted to, first of all, thank U Weekly for the FREE AD! I really couldn't ask for better publicity. Second, let everyone know that we have a new website on it's way for the launch of our next issue, so please don't judge this one too harshly... we have a lot of new, exciting things happening (Including our own version of Bar Starz - oh yeah, you heard me U Weekly). Third, Our next issue will be out in November - so check it out when I finally get the damn thing made!

Love and Lust,
Leah Davis

 

I am going to be short today, because I am a very busy person (actually I am going to the pool again, you would think all of this pool time would give me a tan, but I guess not).  Back to sports.

Thank god that Favre finally got traded.  I have grown very tired of this story a long time ago.  I have a addiction to espn and can watch it for hours upon hours, but lately I couldn't. It really put me in a tough spot.  I haven't been able to find anything on television with out espn.  This is another issue for another day.

They would talk all day about it and never come out with anyting new.  I know that there isn't much sports to talk about right now. I never thought I would say this, but I would rather them talk about baseball and soccer rather than this story.  The thing about it is that the story won't go away.  I just hope they ease up a bit before I lose my mind.

Being in sports though I can't help, but talking about it myself a little bit.  First, I think Favre and the Packers are in the wrong from the beginning.  I will say this though, the Packers should have let Favre come back.  He has been everything for them for 16 years. He shouldnt' have retired, but I believe Ted has been trying to get rid of Favre for three years. So if you don't want him release him.  What they did was straight bull shit. They basically said that Favre wasn't good enough for them, but he was good enough to beat them or at least hurt their chances at winning if he was somewhere else. You can't have it both ways.  I would really like to say I want the Packers to fail, but I dont' like negativity.  I also just feel really bad for Aaron Rogers.  I have a new favorite NFL team for the year, J E T S Jets Jets!.  Vernon has a chance to win now and Nick Mangold has a real QB to hike to. By they way did you know that my squeeze went to school with him. That makes me special if you didn't know.  Ok now that I have said that everyone can't stop talking about it because what I said was the truth nothing else to talk about... maybe not.

So I guess we will see what they are going to talk about know, but I am sure whatever it is they will beat it in to the ground until sports fans start pulling out their hair. Another day, another story.

Frosty

I know this was late, but I had a busy weekend. Actually I didn't I was at the pool all weekend and now I have a sunburn, fun.  Anyways back to the buckeyes. Here are the reasons I came up with that will allow us to break through and win that National Title they everyone expects them to win.

10. Returning Seniors: The leadership that stayed in Columbus for Buckeye glory rather then dollar dollar bills. The leadership is nice, but there tackles, ints, and blocks are nice to have too. I am going to hope that two grueling and embarrassing losses in their final game the last two years will drive this team to the promise land.

9. Weak Big Ten:  Once again it appears that the Big Ten is going to be a weak conference.  Not the weakest though, the ACC takes that title. I could argue that this is very harmful for the buckeyes rather then helpful, but for the sake of argument lets say the lack of competition won't hurt them. This means they need to get by USC and they they have a somewhat worry free conference schedule.

8. Back Ups:  I mentioned previously that I believe that OSU has the best back ups in the nation only rivaled by USC.  Football is a rough sport and people get injured and tired, back ups are very important.  I  don't know if you notice over the Tressel era, but he loves to take starters out for series even as early as the second quarter in an effort to avoid these things. 
 
7. Starters:  Back ups are important, but starters play the most and we have 19 returning along with both kickers back.  If I remember correctly the Bucks haven't been too bad the last couple of years. 

6. Experience:  This could go under starters, but I feel that everyone involved have the necessary experience to finally make the third time a charm. I mean 3 national title games in seven years along with a couple of other BCS bowl wins.  I mean everyone down to the trainers are ready to be in the national title game.

5. Jim Tressel:  If you watch college football at all you will know that a college coach can make difference um Cooper (2 gold pants) and Tressel (6 gold pants, already).  There are a lot of young immature kids on these teams and it takes a great leader to coach them.  I would have had them higher, but his 2 national title game losses have put a tiny notch in his impenetrable armor.

4. Terrelle Pryor:  No, I don't think he is going to break out and end up the starter, but he will play no matter what (knock on wood).  I hate comparing him to Tim Tebow because everyone makes that comparison. It is hard to get away from though, that simple plan makes so much sense.  I am still not sold on his passing abilities. His running abilities I do not question.  I think defenses will have a pretty good idea of what he is going to do, but like Tim I don't think they will be able to stop him. I hope he has a couple of break out plays in some big games that will get them over the hump. Not to mention the new 40 second rule change which will force coaches to try more no huddle and option offenses to make up for the lost plays. This story is not going to get boring anytime soon. We shall see.


3. The Fans: I will always say the fans have a great deal to do with the team winning. The home crowd is obvious.  The other factor is the pressure that they put on the program.  I know that a good program will breed fans, but sometimes expectations produce better programs.  I know Buckeye fans as well and I know that 100 national title game losses won't deter them., they will be just as loud and crazy this year as every other.

2. Chris "Beanie" Wells:  As a heismen trophy favorite this year he is a important key in winning.  He practically carried the team in the second half of the season. He ended up with 1600 yards and really did do well against the first four weak opponents last year.  He won't have that problem this year. Oh ya he was injured all last year. Not this year so watch out.

1. Defense:  This is always the most important thing to the Buckeyes success.  Tressel coached teams don't out score people (except MI game 2006).  Once again they will boast one of the best defenses in the nation.  Statistically wise they were no.1 last year and they lost almost nobody and have plenty of back ups to fill the holes.  If we win the USC game, our difficult road games, and finally that difficult national title game then the defense will be the unit that carry us. 

Frosty

I found a quote provided by Bucknuts.com "Ohio State is unlike any other school. It is an amazing place, and game day at Ohio Stadium is an amazing day. Everybody is wearing scarlet and gray. Everybody is there to support the Buckeyes. When I took my wife back the first time, we stayed at the Holiday Inn on Lane Avenue. An hour before the game, I said, 'We had better get walking.' She said, 'What do you mean? The stadium is right there. It won't take that long.' We started to walk, and I left with one beer in my hand. By the time I got over past St. John Arena, I had guys shoving beers at me and telling me how much I meant to them. I think I ended up with a 12-pack, but it really gave me an idea of how great the fans are."

Marcus Marek, from the book "What It Means To Be A Buckeye" by Jim Tressel and Jeff Snook

I thought this quote supported my previous entry a bit. I couldn't agree more.

Now lets talk about the 2008 Buckeyes a bit.  Once again they start the season with expectations greater then most sports teams period.  My freshmen year at OSU was Tressel's first year.  I couldn't have been happier about the Cooper-Tressel switch.  I didn't realize at the time how much happier I would be.  Here we are about to start another season starting in the top ten and everyone expecting them to end up in a fourth title game in seven years.  With 19 starters coming back and both kickers coming back not to mention the OSU bench could easily be in the top two in the nation next to USC.  If you add another weak year from the Big Ten it seems impossible that we will not end up in Florida playing for another national title. I have been watching OSU football my whole life and I have studied alot of the history behind it.  I hope everyone understands that we are so spoiled as OSU fans and it is great! We will be going to break a few records this year including four staright outright Big Ten titles, five straight Big Ten titles, and last but certainly not least no OSU team has ever beat the team up north five straight times.

I will say one thing about the inevitability of our title run, a loss to USC Sept. 13 will probably end their chances going for a third straight appearance.  Like I wrote yesterday college football nation does not want to see OSU loss again.  It will be sad when USC is no. 1 in the nation and we are no. 4 or 5 with one lose to the best team in the nation.  It is sad that past seasons will negativly affect this years team.  

Lets just say we do beat USC, go undefeated and they have to put us in the national titlel game again, can we win it finally? I say yes, of course I do, but why.  Tommorrow I will post a list of reasons so stayed tuned.

Frosty

Hello everyone, my name is Frosty or should I say my nickname is Frosty.  Anyway, this is the first Oface sports blog entry ever so I am going to start off with a topic that is closest to my heart and will most definitely be the most common topic talked about by me, Ohio State Football.  This doesn't mean other topics won't be discussed, but it is going to be whatever is on my mind regarding the world sports, or at least my world. I hope everyone enjoys it.

Ohio State Football, what can I say I love it, I always have loved it, and I always will love it.  So everyone reading beware,  I will try my best to be objective, but I am pretty sure I won't be able to all of the time (especially regarding the state up north).  I assume that many people reading will feel the same and for those of you that don't you are more then welcome to debate me on the validity of OSU football as the greatest sports program of all time. 

With all of that being said I have been very perturbed by the national hate we are enduring right now.  I feel that it is unwarranted completely. I do understand that our football worshiping ways sometimes rubs opposing fans the wrong way. I say we are just passionate about our sports.  Crew Stadium and Nationwide arena, home to our MLS team and NHL team are regarded around their respected leagues as two of the worst places to play.  This further proves our pride and passion for Columbus sports.  So what if we like to drink a few and enjoy the company of friends and family while enjoying some good OSU football.  Maybe it is a little more then a few, but honestly if you have ever tailgated an football game you know it is pretty amazing, how could anyone hate?

Back to the point, why do people hate us so much.  ESPN.com has released a poll of the ten most hated college football programs and guess who is no. 1, that is right the Buckeyes.  So why is that?

Well I will have to say that two bad losses in the national championship has soured college fans a bit.  Lets look at those two seasons really quick.  In 2006 we ran through our schedule fairly easily and laid an egg in the title game.  We obviously weren't prepared for the Gators and I would have to say that the lack of competition that year coupled with astronomical lay off had something to do with the bad game.  I don't want to make excuses for them because Florida really was a better team, but I will remind everyone this wasn't even the worst blow out in a BCS title game.

Now lets look at last year.  We lost a lot of players from that 06' team. It was suppose to be a rebuilding year or what we call a rebuilding year. It took one of the most bizarre seasons in college football for our young bucks to end up in the title game in back to back years.  If you really look at the LSU game a lot of our inexperience from the younger players and once again the weak Big Ten not providing some sort of resistance had an effect on the game.  I also thought that one or two plays go the other way and we could have won that game.  That is something I couldn't say about the Florida game. 

If you think about it, we probably don't end up in the title game if one or two elite teams win games they should have one.  If that happens then nobody is even talking about OSU and title losses. 

I have much more to say about this subject, but  I will save it for another day.  I will say this though I don't quite understand the national hate we are receiving, but I am just going to assume that is is because we are winners.  Winners will always have haters. So I guess if you look at it like that then we must be really big winners because it seems like everyone hates us.

Frosty

Leah Davis

Craig's List Ad Critiques-Columbus  

I have the sick habit of checking Craig's List daily to see what people are looking for these days. I've critiqued these ads so as to improve Craig's List for everyone. You can thank me later. 

Ad 1: Facials 

(since removed from site)

Date: 2008-03-12 

I am looking for a woman under the age of 40 to take a c*mshot from me. There will be no photos taken and no videos. It will be just me c*mming on your face the pay is $50 for me jerking off on your face, $75 for me jerking off and c*mming in your mouth, and $100 for me jerking off and you licking the tip of my dick and sucking it a little and letting me cum in you mouth.  
 
All this will happen at your place 

Good things about this ad:

1) This ad smartly advertised as a "facial." I naively assumed that a beauty school student wanted to pay me to practice their beautician skills. Score, I love freebies!     

2) "No photos taken and no videos."  You will still be eligible to be the next Miss America. 

3) You need to be under 40 to be accepted for this ad. This is a discriminating man. Not just any face will do!  Only a young, beautiful face is special enough to have a random man from Craig's List cum on it. I would go so far as to call this a "modeling gig."  

4) The amount of effort you're willing to put into this "job" determines how much you're paid. It's an incentive plan. Make up to $100 in a short amount of time!  Perfect for the busy college life style!  

5) I'm sure many of you have already done this on a purely "volunteer" basis. Why not take the next step and become a professional? 

6) "All this will happen at your place."  Now, this sounds legit. He wants you to feel safe and secure while horribly degrading you. There is nothing like modern day chivalry. 

Bad things about this ad:

1) Grammatically incorrect. A period is missing after "c*mming on your face" in the second sentence. You've lost all credibility with your shitty grammar. No one will take you seriously now.

Ad 2: Amateur photographer looking to practice (Columbus)

 

Reply to: gigs-648848447@craigslist.org 
Date: 2008-04-19, 9:31PM EDT 
 
 
Hi. I am an amateur photographer and am looking for a girl or two to help me out with amateur photography. Either swimsuit/lingerie/or nude is what I am looking for. I promise I am not a creep, I won't touch you, I am in a nice and discreet neighborhood, and I will give you copies of the prints. I am bored tonight and would be great if someone can help me out.  
Thank you 

Good things about this ad:

1. Apparently, he's not a creep. You could spend years searching for an honest man, or you can answer this ad and have one take pictures of you tonight! Why waste valuable time? Nice guys like him are hard to come by. Especially nice guys who want to take nude photos of strangers.
2. He lives in a nice and discreet neighborhood. This could mean he's rich! Sugar daddy time! As an added bonus, it also ensures that you will be able to scream as loud as you want and no one will ever hear you.
3. Act now before it's too late! He's bored tonight, what if he's having a good time tomorrow? Maybe the circus is in town tomorrow. This could be your first step to (porn) stardom. You could be the next Raven Riley! And then we could interview you for the fall issue of The O Face! 

Bad things about this ad:

1. Swimsuit, lingerie, or nude? Stop being so indecisive you flaky bastard. Girls like confident guys who can take control. If this guy doesn't strap on a pair soon and make up his mind, no one will ever respond to his ad and he'll be left with no jerk-off material. I guess nice guys do finish last... or not at all.        

      2. He says he won't touch you. Where's the fun in that? 

Ad 3: Need pony ride for childs birthday party

 

Reply to: gigs-606133183@craigslist.org 
Date: 2008-03-14, 1:24PM EDT 
 
 
Ok let me explain my son wants a pony ride for his birthday party but they cost way more than what I cared to spend. What I would like is for one maybe two people who can come to the party and get down on all fours to carry children around on their back like a pony. The children are all around 4-6 years old so none should be too big or anything. 

Good things about this ad: 

       1) Your child can cherish the memory of his birthday party being the one all other parents had the fucking sense not to let their children attend. Your lucky child can now have hours of fun playing with their very own "man pony!" Who needs friends when they have a "man pony?"  Answer: No one.  

Bad things:

1. You are too poor to afford a pony ride for your child. They will always hate you for this.
2. You may not have a lot of money, but you do have plenty of stupid. If you are not actually this dumb, I'll be anxious to see you on the news: "Oh my god guys, come look at this! It's the "man pony" guy! He was a pervert! I told you he wasn't just really, really (really) stupid! You owe me five dollars!"  Yes, I've made a five dollar bet that you are a pervert. Prove me wrong, asshole.
3. Riding random guys is not the same thing as having a pony. Believe me, I've tried. L

Due to the recent controversy and heinous allegations that The O Face Magazine LLC, its owners, contributors, and sponsors "actively condone and support rape"; we at The O Face Magazine would like to issue a statement to assert that in absolutely no way does The O Face Magazine LLC condone this type of atrocious violence against women or any other human being.

The O Face Magazine, LLC writes its articles as a means of satire, and when read in full, the article in question openly discusses college-themed issues between a male and female perspective. In absolutely no way does the article in question claim to inflict rape or sexual violence against women.

We believe it is our constitutional right to publish the college-themed issues in a college forum. Our magazines are clearly aimed at those who have the mental capability and intelligence to read our articles and take them for nothing more than they are: pure satire.

Many of the stores that were indicated as supporters of The O Face Magazine, LLC are not affiliated with the magazine in any way other than allowing us to place magazines in their places of business.  Some of the locations listed never had magazines distributed to them.

The accusation of condoning rape was directed specifically at one of our freelance writers, Lyndon Collins. This is incorrect. I, Leah Davis, as the editor-in-chief of The O Face Magazine, LLC and a female, am responsible for all written content placed in The O Face. Any complaints should be directed towards me in the future.

Sincerely,

The O Face Team

Leah Davis

Editor-in-chief

leah@theofacemag.com

 Sex Sucks When...

 The O Face's favorite smart-ass, Lyndon Collins, takes on our editor, Leah Davis, in a battle of boys v. girls! Who will come out on top?

Leah:

Sex sucks when...

A guy asks , "Was it good for you?" If you can't tell by how I'm acting after sex if I'm satisfied or not...I'm not. At all. Not only did I have to fake an orgasm now your poorly-performing ass wants me to fake a compliment. Don't be so damn selfish.

Lyndon:
Sex sucks when...

You insist in shushing me every thirty seconds because you "don't want your room mates to hear". Fuck that. I WANT your room mates to hear. I want your neighbors to hear. I want the entire fucking county to hear.

I want to be loud. Real loud. And I want YOU to be loud, too. I want you to be screaming like I'm impaling you with the business end of a car jack.

And then when we're finished, I want to walk out of your bedroom, dressed only in the sweat and loin-juice that we just traded, and I want a standing ovation from everyone within earshot of the earthquake we just created.

Leah:
Sex sucks when...

You keep going LONG after you know I've already had an orgasm.

It's just not any damn fair. When a guy has an orgasm, that's it, sex is over. Whether I've gotten off or not isn't important. We're done. I'm just expected to accept the fact that instead of getting off I have to assuage your fears of not being manly enough by saying for the umpteenth time, "Of course it was good for me."

What the hell? Just once I'd love to orgasm, immediately stop the sex, ignore your pitifully blue-balled look, exclaim how a nap would be fucking amazing, and ask you to please get me a glass of water. I'm parched.

Oh, and while you're out in the kitchen, are you making yourself a sandwich? No? Oh...could you still maybe make me one, though? Thanks! You're so good to me!

Equality, it's important.

Lyndon:
This reminds me of a joke:

-What's the hardest part about making a woman have an orgasm?
-Who cares?

Leah:
Don't worry. It was good for me.

Lyndon:

Sex sucks when...

 You suddenly grow a conscience 2 minutes after we've started.

You didn't have a conscience when you were dancing on the bar earlier while every guy in the place looked up your skirt, and you didn't have a conscience when you were making out with me in the middle of High St., and you certainly didn't have a conscience five minutes ago when you had a mouthful of...well, me.

So why the sudden deep and rational thoughts about "whether or not we should be doing this."

But once a girl goes down the "is this right?" road, there's no turning back.

Despite the fact that she's probably done this a thousand times before, and despite the fact that she'll do it a thousand times again, all of a sudden she's Mother Theresa and "isn't sure."

I'm definitely stealing something out of her bedroom for the trouble. Maybe an iPod or something.

 Leah:

It's not called growing a conscience. It's called sobering up.

Sex sucks when...

We're kissing, touching, having a good time feeling each other up, and you PUSH MY HEAD DOWN.   

This can only mean one thing. Not, of course, that you think I'm a slut and don't respect me: it means that you know your dick is too small for me to find on my own, so you thought you'd help out. Such a sweet heart!

 I know you think you're being kind by removing me from the awkward situation of asking you, "Where is it? Oh, that is it..." But honestly, it's wasted kindness on your part. I'm really shallow; if I can't find it on my own you're not getting any anyway.  So save me the potential neck injury, and buy a penis pump.

          

 "You're name is Chantal," my trainer says. "Here are your stats. You should memorize them."

Alright, I check myself out. I'm 5'4", blonde hair, brown eyes, 115 lbs, 36 C breasts, and a business major.

"Um, I thought that my phone sex character was supposed to be nothing like me. This is almost exactly like me: I'm 5'5" with blonde hair and brown eyes, I weigh about five pounds more, and I just switched my major from biology to business.

"Should we change it?"

My trainer looks me up and down. "No, it's not really important."

Yeah, I guess she's right. It's not really important... unless some guy decides to track me down with nothing to go on but my college, major, voice, and exact looks.

I'm at my first day of training to be a phone sex operator. I can't tell you where the call center is located. I, personally, was only given the location of this place after applying and getting a background check. The security is pretty intense. I guess when you get guys off for a living security becomes an issue.

"We try to keep a low profile. The neighbors don't know what we do here, so we all try to be as respectful as possible," the trainer tells me over a cigarette break.

I'd applied to work as a "phone fantasy operator" a couple of weeks ago. The application process was an adventure in itself due to a checklist asking if I was okay with talking about the following: rape, bestiality, incest, and child molestation. With the horribly misguided belief that probably only one person would ever actually call about any of these things, I checked them all. After checking the last box for "child molestation," I went on to fill in my past work experience.

"Begin with your most recent job first," the application said.

I filled it in: "Camp counselor"

"Duties?"

"Supervised and ensured the safety of 9-15-year-olds as a lake lifeguard; lived in a cabin as main supervisor of 12 14-year-old girls."

My trainer and I finish our cigarettes, and I'm taken on a tour of the call center.

"This is the suicide prevention board. I think it's important to show all of our new employees this their first day," the trainer tells me.

From what I've seen since arriving at the call center, I'd say about 90 percent of the women who work here would benefit from calling a suicide hotline. They could talk to someone who would tell them that they are loved without immediately shouting at them to suck their cock afterwards.

To begin the sex phone learning process, my trainer gives me some reading materials on fetishes and kinks:

"Love his dick. It is the source of his ego," my reading material informs me.

"Doggy-style is a favorite position of assholes. Talk about your boobs jiggling..."

"If they have a foot fetish, talk about shoving the heel of your shoe up his ass..."

"If the guy is in to being dominated, he may actually be gay but afraid to admit it. Gently suggest a guy gets involved in the action. They love big, black cocks..."

            Next on the learning agenda, I listen to hours of phone sex conversations. I sit with my phone on mute, listening to girls talk dirty to the callers. I'm being paid to eavesdrop on people's naughty time. Awesome? Nope.

Let me tell you a disturbing fact: there is absolutely nothing too dirty to be talked about for $1.99 a minute. When I told my friends about my phone sex job, they said things like, "Some guy will call and tell you to have sex with a dog while your brother is watching."  Then they'd laugh at the ridiculousness of their imagined scenario. I'd shake my head and explain that while they were joking, someone probably did call with an incest/bestiality fetish last night, and they talked about it for two hours with some poor girl. And they got off on it. Repeatedly.

These guys aren't paying girls by the minute to moan, "Oh baby, oh baby."  They're paying for their deepest, darkest sexual fantasies to be lived out with the sex phone operator as their narrator. I even learn there is something called infantilism. This is when a person gets off on being treated like and acting like a baby. All I could think was: what the hell had to happen to someone for this to be their fetish?

My second night of training, the other women explain to me that most callers are separated into domination callers - your rape and incest callers fall in to this category - and your submissive callers, wanting to be humiliated and hurt. These men are lovingly referred to by the operators as the "pussy boys."

"Everyone eventually finds their niche," one girl explains to me. "Jessica and I are the little submissive whores, otherwise known as 'daddy's girls,' and the other girls get all of the 'pussy boy' callers, because they're good at humiliating and hurting men."

I want the "pussy boys" as my niche, because I would love to get paid get to say really horrible, degrading things to guys. I do this anyway, but nobody pays me.

I'm continuing my training while a woman takes a call in the same room as me. In fact, we have four women standing around, chatting, eating, and listening in. The woman on the phone with the caller is eating chocolates, and in the middle of a mind-blowing orgasm, she hits the mute button and exclaims, "I love caramel chocolates!"  She un-mutes the guy and finishes having her orgasm. She continues on with the call; hitting mute again she turns to me and says, "Quick, give me a word and I'll put it in the phone call."

"What?" I ask, horribly confused.

"It's a game I play. Say any word and I'll put it in the phone sex call."

"Alright," I reply. "Cat."

Turning off the mute, she sensually says in to the phone, "I want to lap your dick like a cat laps milk."  Absolutely brilliant.

She hits mute again. "Give me another word. Something harder, that was too easy."

"Umm...cheesy poof?"

She turns the mute off and says, "You're so sexy that I'd love to eat you all up just like a cheesy poof. Mhm baby."

And, with that, I'm in love. This woman is a sex phone genius. I strive to, one day, be half the phone sex operator she is. I find out her sex phone name is Michelle - we all go by our phone names while we're at the call center - and that she graduated college with a philosophy degree. She's currently working on her masters. She's a happily married soccer mom who has only had sex with one man in her entire life. Oh, and she's a sought after phone dominatrix who specializes in "pussy boys."

"I don't humiliate them. I hurt them," she tells me. "If I've had a bad day with the kids, I take it out on the callers."

"The funniest calls are when I've had the guy actually shove something in his ass, and then over the line you hear his wife walk in and yell, 'What the hell are you doing!?'"

Later that night, I have my first call. Michelle grabs me and says, "You're going to be crying for the next two hours. Come with me."

"What?!"

"This guy always buys two girls. He's into domination and submission. I'm going to be hurting you for the next two hours. Here are some magazines. You're going to get really bored with crying so you have these to read."

I can't go into a lot of detail, but the call involved nipple clamps, whips, a strap-on, a small dog, and, for about 40 minutes, a ball-gag. How do you portray having a ball-gag in your mouth over the phone? A distressed, "mmmmm!" noise works pretty well. Michelle did all of the talking, and I made a ton of money! This job isn't so bad after all!

The next day, my boyfriend is over at my apartment, and I ask him if he is ready to leave for an O Face photo shoot.

"One second, I just have to finish sucking this cock," he replies from my kitchen.

"What did you just say?!" I screech from my room.

"I said I just have to finish my cereal."

Oh my god. I'm going crazy. This job must be getting to me more than I think.

We head out to the photo shoot, and on the drive we see a dog. Dirty bastards who enjoy bestiality; all I can think about is the dog mounting some girl. Shit. This is too much. I decide right then that I will never go back to the call center.

At night time with the other girls, being a phone sex operator was actually really funny and even kind of fun. An added plus - everyone was extremely open about sex, which led to great and very kinky conversations. Unfortunately, in the light of day, I realized that this job is destroying the few remaining things that my poor, cynical self still regards as pure and beautiful. I don't want things like dads and dogs and cereal to be destroyed in my mind. I believe that some things, for my sanity, need to be kept beautiful. In the end, being a phone sex operator was just too demoralizing for me, but I'm okay with that. I mean, there's always stripping.

 Actually used by O Face models

Leah Davis

Taylar Shermer

 Every girl has been in a situation where some over-confident or annoyingly-oblivious guy just refuses to accept a simple, "No, thank you." What can a girl say to get the point across that she would much rather be alone masturbating than be in a position where she would ever have to touch him? The O Face has the answer. As well as being hilarious, these are guaranteed to get that creep away from you.

 1)      "The doctor says it's thrush.  It's like a yeast infection in my mouth."

 Nothing says, "Get the hell away from me," like explaining that your mouth has become the equivalent of an infected vagina complete with creamy white lesions. See, that's even terrifying to me, and I just wrote it.  

 2)      "Sorry, I have to finish making balloon animals for my friend's birthday."

 The shame of having an activity as ridiculous as making balloon animals chosen over a sexy night with him should make the guy lose his erection and, with any luck, destroy any small bit of self-confidence he mustered up to talk to you to begin with.

 If the guy is oblivious and replies: "That won't take long. We can still have fun after you're finished."

 Answer, "I'm sure you don't take long to finish either." Walk away.

 It's better to be known as a bitch than to have to deal with ugly, drunk guys all night.

 5)      "Oh no, don't worry about that.  I don't think it's contagious.  I'm waiting for the doctor to call me back."

 The great part about this one is that you can point to literally anything on your body.  If the guy asks you to clarify what is wrong, simply refuse to answer and keep repeating, "I already told you, don't worry about it. It's not your problem, it's mine." Begin crying.

 6)      Whisper in your most sensual voice, "I love you."

 Hopefully, he'll be freaked out by your obsessive nature and leave you alone.  If he goes along with it and says something ridiculous like, "I love you too," look disgusted and explain to him that you just met him and he clearly has some very real issues.

 If he tries to point out that you said "I love you" first, explain that you were actually saying, "I love Too's - the bar."  You wanted to go there to get a beer later.

Keep staring at him.  He's creepy and deserves to feel horrible about himself.

 7)      "I think I might be pregnant, so you really don't have to worry about a condom."

 A guy with any common sense will hear this and very clearly see his future as the fourteenth guy you've brought on "Maury."  The fantasy will be complete with a vision of you fifty pounds heavier and screaming, "That man is ma baby's daddy! Look! Look at that baby! It looks just like him."  My goodness, I love Maury.